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11/5/2024 Update:
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Hello everyone, this is Asclepius, and it’s my pleasure to introduce a new guest narrator, littlegeek lost. She will be bringing us a great story, entitled Jarial’s Magic Recipe, by Bronwyn, and it’s written by Greyhaven. Background music “A Little Faith”, by Smartsound.

Jarial’s Magic Recipe
by Bronwyn

I’ve got all the bits!

Everything I need to make Jarial’s Magic Recipe!

Oh, this is going to make me so much faster and stronger. I will be transformed into an instant hero flying up and down the King’s Road, slaying the monsters and saving the trade caravans in no time! I might even go further! Not as far as that Shadow Wood place though. As well as wolves, I’ve heard that there’s spiders as big as a cow wandering around in it!

Anyway, here is what I’ve got, just in case you want to have a go at making the recipe yourself :-

1) Some dregs of Scrattocks’ “Old Clobber”
Luckily, I managed to get hold of this through my own clumsiness. I tripped over my own feet as I went running through the door of the Hearth of Britannia, and went crashing into a nearby table knocking the flagons of ale flying. Amidst shouts and insults hurled from all corners, I managed to snatch up a cup with a bit of the ale still in it, and made a speedy exit out through the window.

2) Some “Wasp Squeezings”
I was a bit dubious about this one, but I reasoned that the recipe needs a bit of power and spiciness! As the Apothecary was showing me some of his stuff, I accidentally (on purpose) knocked over his bookshelf. Occupied with fussing over his precious tomes of herbal remedies, and calling me names that sounded most unnatural, he did not notice some of the “squeezings” go missing!

3) Horse Spittle
The amount of treats that I had to give old Smith in order to acquire sufficient of this was ridiculous! That horse is going to get so fat I reckon his legs will snap!

4) A Dry Bun
Broken in half this will suck up the mixture nicely. Jarial calls this a “delivery medium”. Sounds posh so it’s bound to work! And no, I don’t feel guilty about going into the bakery and shouting, “THERE’S A GIANT RAT IN HERE!”

And now I am ready! I will mix it up, eat it, and let you know how great I feel!

Oracle preserve us! Everything’s hurting really badly! I reckon my poor belly’s gonna rise up through me, leap out my mouth and escape! When I find that Jarial, I’m going to kick him in the…

Aye, yer a rum one Bronny – that’s a very tall tale! Well I’ll tell ye this: if ye ever come running through here again, knocking over my drink, ye’ll be gettin a “Scrattocks Old Clobber” around the ear hole!

Now, pull up a chair an listen to some proper tales…

I’m OK! I’m OK!

Look – the room has stopped spinning and everything!

I tell you what mateys, I feel really bleedin weird an all that. I guess it must be the MAGIC WORKING!

I’m gonna test out my new speed right now! I’m gonna run up these stairs and back down again real fast and you will see how much quicker I am than usual! (And let me tell you that even without the magic I am as fast as a mongoose – so this is going to be a blur!)

Here goes…
….
(There’s more stairs than I remember…)
….
Yay! At the top! Now down again…
….
Yipes!
….

Oh that was definitely faster than normal but I don’t think it counts because I fell when I was half way down! And there is no pain! Well, not much anyway. That will be the MAGIC!

I’m gonna test out my strength now, and bend this iron bar! I will pretend it’s a dragon’s neck, only thinner! And not scaly. And more metally. Just like a bar. Which is what it is. So that just goes to prove that everything is working!

I will bend it with my bare hands. Here goes…
…..
My bare hands and my knee…
…..
Two knees…
…..

I think that has bent it! It just looks straight because of a trick of the light. Well, it is still pretty straight, but I think that it is less straight than it was! I could have bent it more but I think there is something wrong with the iron.

And now for the last test – my improved marksmanship! I will be able to hit I flea in the eyeball from 100 paces! Although I have decided to use a standard practice target to keep things simple.

One bullseye coming up. Here goes…
….
Obviously the first arrow doesn’t count…
….
Third time lucky…
….

Is it just me, or is it windier than normal ?

Oh, you’re right – that magic recipe has made sod-all difference. Perhaps I got the mix wrong. Do you think you’re meant to use a chocolate bun ? I used a vanilla one, perhaps that’s what has thrown it…

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