The Correct Technique for Dealing with Trolls – by Greyhaven – narrated by Asclepius and littlegeeklost
Hello everyone. This is Asclepius, with another wonderful story from Greyhaven. It is entitled
The Correct Technique for Dealing with Trolls
I am also delighted to welcome littlegeeklost to join in the narration.
Background music is “Blackmoor Tides” by Matthew Pablo at www.matthewpablo.com
I hope that you have all taken the opportunity to have a read through Sir Frank’s mighty fine written piece “Death” in the Scribes of Novia forum. A story where young Sir Frank comes off second best to a troll (of the classical variety). The result is somewhat unfortunate, hence the title of the piece.
Should a troll get hold of a true warrior, it is of course the troll that is in trouble, and not the hero. I will elaborate:
There are those who are quick to panic when they are grabbed by a troll, but this should be no real cause for concern if you follow the correct procedure for dealing with the situation.
As the troll’s hand closes around you, be quick to flip your belt-mounted morning star 90 degrees to stop the fingers getting too tight a grip. As it lifts you off the ground it is time to get ready to exploit the troll’s primary weakness – they are particularly sensitive to loud noises. Even Beowulf figured that one out (eventually).
As you are lifted towards its face, and it prepares to bite your head off, just lean to the side and holler as loud as you can in its ear-hole. That should cause it such discomfort and aggravation that you will be quickly dropped (or thrown) to the ground.
Be sure to take advantage of this opening. Smash it as hard as you can on the toes with your trusty warhammer. As it doubles over in pain, this will bring its head down within range of an upwards swing of the hammer. If you put your back into it, and you are using quality equipment, then you can damn near knock it’s head off.
‘ang on matey ! What happens if it is a deaf troll or one without any ears on it ?
I’m sorry Bronwyn, but that is a stupid question which does not merit an answer…
I ain’t got a warhammer or one of those star thingies either – can’t we just shoot it up the ol’ schnoz with a poison arrer?
Ha ha, it might have a big nose but I don’t think it would keep its head still long enough for you to aim at it.
You raise a good point though. Because of their regenerative capabilities, once downed it is important to finish the troll off with poison or fire…
Finish? Bloody rubbish! Start ’em off with a bit of flame, that’s what I say! Much better than thrashing about with a hammer!
Did I tell ye about the time me an’ the Bomb Squad fixed a bunch o’ high-ex around a troll’s privates an’ set em off with a fireball?? I tell ye summut lad, there’s nowt what sorts a troll out faster than exploding gonads!