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Hello everyone, this is Asclepius. I am delighted again to welcome Solstar to the microphone; he will be bringing us a wonderful rendition of a thrilling tale by Themo Lock, entitled

Noob-skin Boots.
Background music is “The Last Encounter”, by Matthew Pablo, at www.matthewpablo.com

Noob-skin Boots

Let me tell a tale of bovine wrath and fear,
The most terrifying tale you will likely ever hear,
A story that will transport you to the nightmares of your youth,
Though sounding false and suspect, I swear it is the truth.

I was aiding young adventurers; we had formed a roving band,
I showed them points of interest as we toured this scenic land,
We quested, explored and battled, we danced, drank and laughed,
Until one young lad raised the question “Hey Themo how do I craft?”.

“Well” i said “good question, it’s simple at its roots”,
“Recipes are abundant but let’s start with leather boots”,
“The ingredients are simple, according to the guides”,
“The obvious place to start would be to gather hides”

“Hides you say?” the same lad asked, a furrow on his brow,
Until an excited lass chimed in “hey how about this cow?”
Her plan was sound, the cow was handy, it did not seem unwise,
Nobody seemed to own the thing so i shouted “kill it guys!”.

The party surged towards the beast, rusty swords in hand,
This shouldn’t prove a challenge i just hoped it bore no brand,
One of the party, overly keen attempted a body slam,
But the cow simply blinked and voiced the words ” VAS FLAM”

Fire erupted from its hoof, and engulfed the would-be crafter,
He screamed and died, i bit my tongue and ceased my merry laughter,
The newbies froze and turned to me with fearful questioning eyes,
“ummmm” I said at a loss for words “this plan we must revise”.

The cow lazily wandered to the crafters corpse, skinning knife in hoof,
I had always suspected cows were evil, now I had my proof,
With horror I realised the beast’s intent and rushed in to resurrect,
Stealth not being my primary trait, my approach it did detect.

“IN POR” it said in husky voice, vanishing from sight,
“Thank god” I thought relieved, at least we avoided a fight,
But from behind me screams erupted as well as a chilling “MOOOO!”
I cast my spell and turned in time to see it bite a noob… and slowly chew.

“GET IT OFF!!” the poor lass screamed to no avail, the rest of our team had scattered,
Aside from one brave newbie soul who was bloody, bruised and battered,
He gripped the beasts tail and thrust his blade where the Novia sun don’t shine,
The cow’s eyes widened, it released its prey and it fled with a tortured whine.

The group reformed and heals were cast, nobody said a word,
Each of us knew we could tell no-one, the tale would seem absurd,
“OK” I said in trembling voice “back to crafting armour”,
“No thank you” the crafter said “I think I want to be a farmer”.

Posted by Asclepius - Email Author
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Please note: This is a SotA community run project, and any and all content may deviate from the fictional canon of the game.