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Greetings Avatars! This is the “Radio” version of the play recently presented in Paxlair by the NBTT. We are indeed versatile!

The New Britannia Theater Troupe Presents
“Aurum Berries”

Written by Womby
Adapted for radio and produced by Asclepius
Musical Director and Director of Public Relations:
Amber Raine
Stage Manager and Technical Consultant:
Sir Stile Teckel

Voice Cast

Doctor Shroud as the Mayor
Sharm as Christine
Lady Adnor as Sharon
Solstar as Derek
Lord Baldrith as Ben
StaticGrazer as the bartender
Asclepius as the Traveller

And
Cordelayne Valkaris as the narrator

The incessantly bickering residents of Greystone had one thing on which they could all agree. They were in trouble. Serious trouble. Finding the situation becoming more dire by the day, the mayor called a town meeting. When the small population had assembled, the mayor stood up, puffed out his chest, and commenced.
“Thank you for coming everyone. As you know our situation is desperate. This past winter has been the coldest and most severe in living memory. Caravans are often unable to traverse the snowy passes, and those that do get through are as often as not waylaid by bandits. The crops have failed again and we have no other source of income.”
Derek, a local farmworker, looked up and muttered “I suspect we’re all doomed!”
Christine, the lively, vivacious manager of the general store, glared at him and said “Shut up Derek. Try being positive for once in your life!”
Derek just made a face at Christine and replied “You’re right. I’m positive we’re all doomed!”
Waving at them both to be silent, the mayor said “Quiet down you two. I’m opening the floor to suggestions. How can we make money to see us through this bad patch?”
Sharon, the voluptuous barmaid, waved her hand in the air. “The tavern attracts a steady stream of thirsty travellers. Most like to pop in for a quick ale. Maybe we could sell stuff to them?”
Derek, in a flat monotone, replied “That’s great Sharon, only we have nothing to sell. If we had any assets we wouldn’t be in this mess. Besides, nobody wants to buy stuff they then have to lug around on their journey. We need to get travellers to willingly part with lots of money for something they can easily carry.”
Refusing to be put off, Christine continued “That’s true, but what if we sold them, say, a treasure map for a large sum? All we have to do is convince them that it’s genuine.”
With a scornful laugh Derek retorted “Are you kidding Christine? No one’s going to fall for the old Fake Treasure Map scam!”
Ben, who was generally accepted as the oldest and wisest in the village, had been listening to this exchange. He nodded, rubbed his chin and said “Hmm. Obviously a simple treasure map isn’t going to work, but I think I have an idea. One that requires the whole village to work together.”
On hearing this, the mayor brightened considerably. “Excellent!” he said. “I propose we discuss
it further at the tavern this evening. I know I could use a drink or two…”

Later that evening, most of the villagers were seated at tables in the tavern. A buzz of conversation was suddenly interrupted when the door swung open and a traveller walked in. He headed straight for the bar and sat down with a flourish.
“Welcome traveller, what’ll it be?” enquired the bartender. “We have the finest ale south of Owl’s Head. Or, if you prefer, for a little extra I can offer our own special mead we make to a local recipe.”
With an expansive smile the traveller replied “I’ll have the mead, thanks. I’m in a spending mood. I fetched a lot more than I expected from selling some crystals I found in a cave, and I feel like celebrating.”
The traveller paid for the mead, leaving a generous tip, and headed for the one remaining empty table. While his back was turned the barman gave a barely perceptible wink in the direction of the rear door. Within a minute there was the sound of something heavy being dragged, and Ben appeared, out of breath and panting heavily.
“I found it! I found it!!” he cried.
The bartender raised a quizzical eyebrow and replied “Calm down Ben, what did you find?”
“The legendary aurum plant! We all thought it was extinct, but I found some growing in a spider infested cave!”
The barman’s jaw dropped. “You went into a spider infested cave? I knew you were reckless, Ben, but what on earth possessed you to do that?”
Ben was almost incoherent with excitement “I went in to rescue my dog. Anyhow, I managed to kill all the spiders, but when I went to grab Digger I found he had turned into solid gold! Then I noticed the aurum berries, some of which he had obviously eaten. Stupid dog eats everything!”
At this the barman’s eyebrows almost reached his hairline. “You are the most sober, reliable person I know, Ben. But that story is hard to swallow. Do you have any proof?”
Ben immediately reached into the sack he had been dragging and retrieved a golden dog, placing it on the bar. “Of course – look at this!”
The barman looked as if he was going to faint. “Great Obsidian torments! That’s Digger all right. I’d recognise that dopey expression anywhere. Wow. So, what are you going to do with the berries?”
Stunned back to reality, Ben said “Hmm. That’s a good question.”
Christine, ever watchful for a good opportunity, called out “Pretty much the whole village is here right now, so how about you auction them?”
Ben shook his head for a moment as if absorbing this idea, and said “Great idea, Christine. What am I offered for the remaining 27 aurum berries? Minimum bid increment 1000 gold, please.”
Derek was first up: “I’ll give you 2000 gold for them. That’s all I’ve got.”
Christine replied instantly “Ha! Loser. I’ll give you 3000!”
Sharon waved her hand vigorously and said “4000!”
Derek glared briefly and shouted “5000!”
Christine gave Derek a look that could kill, and said “You lying scoundrel! That’s me out.”
Sharon, grinning, said “Oh, so you want to play, do you Derek? 6000!”
Derek responded “7000!…………….
What, cat got your tongue, Sharon?”
Sharon grimaced and snapped “8000, you horrible little weasel!”
The barman slammed his hand on the counter and called out “Finished squabbling, children? 9000! Beat that!”
The traveller, who had been watching this exchange as his mouth gradually opened wide in astonishment, suddenly spoke up. “This is fascinating and all, but I’m in a hurry, and I need those berries. Twenty thousand gold!”
A stunned silence ensued, broken after a minute or so by Ben, who bowed to the traveller and said “Sold to the gentleman of impressive means who can nevertheless spot a real bargain when he sees it.”
The traveller completed the sale with almost indecent haste, handing over an impressive sack of gold in exchange for the handful of berries, and left to spread the word of his good fortune. As soon as he was out of earshot the tavern erupted in laughter.
Wiping the tears from his eyes, Ben said “That was great, everyone. You all played your parts brilliantly. Equal shares for everyone! And Sharon, thank you for the loan of the statue you made of your late dog Snuffles. It’s a pity we didn’t have quite enough gold paint to finish the job. He would have had quite a surprise if he looked under the tail and saw the brown spot.”
Christine, as ever, had the last word “Can I play Sharon’s role next time? I feel like I need to tackle something a little meatier…”

Music Credits
Combat, by Ome
River Styx (All Good Things), by Kailef
The Virtue of Love, by Quetzacoatl
THE END

Posted by Asclepius - Email Author
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